Wednesday, September 21, 2011

WRESTLERS THAT ALSO SING - WELL, SORT OF: PACKAGE THAT SH*T AND SELL IT!



It's not just mega-talented, multifaceted stars like Lindsay Lohan, Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers that think they can do it all. Long before Russell Crowe, Steven Seagal and Jackass clown Steve-O released solo albums, wrestlers like Macho Man Randy Savage, Hulk Hogan and Tatanka (who?) were selling sex rhymes by the pound...

MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE (2003)

First up, Macho Man Randy Savage, who I just found out died of a heart attack in May. So before we get started, rest in peace Bonesaw!



Okay... Unlike a lot of the other wrestlers mentioned in this article, Macho Man Randy Savage was no dabbler. On the back of a critically acclaimed, no type-casting-in-sight Hollywood acting career (also known as a five minute run in Spider-Man 1), Macho released a full length rap album called Be A Man in 2003.

The title track is a straight up whack attack on once bitter rival Hulk Hogan, featuring poetic outbursts like
, "They call you Hollywood? Don't make me laff, 'cos your movies and your acting skills are both trash. Your movies straight to video, the box office can't stand, while I got myself a feature role in Spider Man".

Next up, the Hulkster himself...

HULK HOGAN & THE WRESTLING BOOT BAND (1995)



In the late '80s and early '90s, Hulkamania was bigger than Eddie Murphy. So a career in music was only natural, right? Hey, it worked for Chris Waddle and Glenn Hoddle.

So.. in 1995, as Hulkamania peaked like an orange, bloated, spindly-legged old sun set, Hogan and his travelling band of minstrels (Jimmy Hart, Linda Hogan and John Maguire) released their seminal debut album Hulk Rules. And you thought Brooke's last album was bad?

Hulk, naturally, wrote all his own lyrics; "Whoops there it is, whoops there it is, wha-wha-wha-wha-wha-wha-wha-wha-whoops there it is". Great stuff from the Hulkster...




WRESTLEMANIA: THE ALBUM (1993)



Okay... Now for a share-the-blame group effort of epic proportions! In 1993, to capitalise on the popularity of his burgeoning wrestling empire, Vince McMahon released the so-90s-it-hurts-your-eyes-and-ears rock compilation Wrestlemania: The Album (seriously, how much were they paying those copywriters?).

This track by Bret 'Hitman' Hart (co-written by Peter Waterman and Mike Stock) is a total winner. The only ones doing any singing are the backups...




And check out this choice cut by the Undertaker. It's like necromantic spoken word poetry with Rick James doing the music. Super freaky! And again, still no sign of any actual singing...



THE WRESTLING ALBUM (1985)



The Wrestling Album (again, imaginatively titled) is another compilation album released eight years earlier, in 1985. The aim was to launch Vince McMahon's empire into mainstream pop culture. And, to be fair, it worked.

Mostly, it's just goofy commentary by McMahon himself, a bunch of goofy songs sung by goofy wrestlers and the single "Grab Them Cakes" by Junkyard Dog. Now that's '80s. Who knew he could spell?


PILEDRIVER: THE WRESTLING ALBUM 2 (1987)



The sequel, Piledriver - The Wrestling Album 2 (now those copywrite brains are turning) spawned this hit single by boss-man himself Vince McMahon. Warning, includes Hulk Hogan on fake bass solo...



JOHN CENA (2005)



And don't forget John Cena. Because, "in addition to his wrestling and acting career, Cena is a rapper and a hip-hop musician". Wikipedia's obviously playing fast and loose with the words "acting," "career" and "musician"... Anyone seen The Marine? Me neither.

Cena released his debut rap album You Can't See Me in 2005. And the world exhaled...

What I want to know is, why do wrestlers always choose rap (or spoken word '80s cabaret in the case of Hitman)? Is it because they can't sing and think rapping's easy? I can just imagine the process: "Hey, I can rhyme words, turds... Now package that shit and sell it!"



INSANE CLOWN POSSE (2011)



Last and definitely not not least, how could I not include Insane Clown Posse? Check out their new collaboration "Leck Mich Im Arsch", with Jack White and Mozart... "230 years in the making".


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